Thursday, October 16, 2014
As I’ve gotten older, I pick and choose what areas of pop culture to pay attention to. So, when people started talking about the song “Let it Go” from the movie “Frozen,” I had no idea what they were talking about. To be honest, I’ve listened to the song once…I know it’s from an animated movie about some princess living somewhere icy…and I know that people are making millions of dollars off of the movie by churning out merchandise with princesses and a snowman. That’s the extent of my “Frozen” and “Frozen” song knowledge.
What I do know about the phrase “Let it Go” is that it has helped me throughout my life. I used to have a magnet on my fridge that said “Let Go and Let God.” When I was at some low points in my life, I’d see that and be reminded that I couldn’t fix things but He could. And that was a lot of years before I ever went to any recovery meetings. Now I’ve learned that I have no control over anything except me, and I probably need to change my thinking and my focus about whatever is bothering me so that I can cope better.
I’ve gotten a lot better at letting go of things. I don’t worry about business that’s not mine. I don’t get involved in other people’s drama. I TRY not to obsess over problems that are truly mine and for which I am unable to find an immediate solution. But, for the past 9 months, I have been unable to really let go of he-who-must-not-be-named.
I heard a woman speak recently about being “addicted to telling the story.” I don’t grab strangers off the street and tell them my tale of woe. But my friends must certainly be tired of my uncanny ability to sneak his name into any conversation. I’m sure they cringe every time I start to speak a word beginning with the letter “R.”
I have not been sitting around waiting for him to call. I don’t stalk him on FB. (In fact, I haven’t signed on there in at least 9 months because I don’t want to know what he is doing. If he’s deleted me as a friend, there are still a dozen or so folks from his life that probably haven’t all deleted me, and I’d surely see something about him on their page.) I honestly don’t want to know the who/what/when/where/how/why of his new life. I don’t believe I could handle that information as it would certainly set me back in my progress of dealing with the loss.
What I do, however, is say a prayer every night that the next day will be the day I’ll hear from him. And each morning I pray that God will put it in his heart to want me back, along with pushing aside his pride & ego so that it can be possible. That’s it. It’s between me and God. Oh, and all the friends who have had to listen to me talk about him.
But…now…finally…I’m letting go. Last night I had an epiphany about how much better I’ll feel if I let go of the sadness. Let go of the pain. Let go of the “what did I do wrong??” And, the hardest one…let go of the hope. I’m not quite sure how I’ll be successful in letting it go, especially when there are big red trucks everywhere, and guys with long mustaches, and music on the radio that he sang at Karaoke, and BBQ pits rolling down the highway on trailers, and memories…lots of f’ing memories. But I’m going to do it. One step…one day…at a time.
What does this have to do with crafting? Not a damn thing. I was tired last night, and sad about all of the above, so I went to bed. I also decided to give up on my fantasies about this other guy I’ve gotten to know lately. It’s obvious he’s not interested, and even though he’s the first guy I’ve had even an inkling of interest in in 9 months, it’s just not meant to be. Which means I’m going to have to try to crochet the loneliness right out of my head and my heart