Oops, I Did It Again!

June 9 thru June 22, 2016

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I said in my last post that I was going to update this daily with all my little successes and failures with projects.  And random thoughts.  And pics of cats.

As you can see from the date range above, that did not happen.

I’ve been productive, but I haven’t felt like writing about it here.  One of the reasons is, I think, that I spend a lot of time on Ravelry talking about projects, updating my stash listings and project pages, and daydreaming about various patterns and yarn combos.  So, I don’t really want to talk about it some MORE over here.  I guess if I quit talking about all projects and just talk about Fair projects, that would make it more interesting…for me, anyway.  For anyone reading this?  Not so much.

The bigger reason, I believe, for not posting here is that my mindset about just about everything is not in a happy place.  I’m not really depressed right now, but I feel really empty.  Nothing is bringing me much joy these days, and when I try to seek out some joy I come up empty-handed.

I hate the summer because I hate the heat and humidity.  It’s impossible to enjoy being outdoors when you are covered in a thin film of sweat from head to toe.  I remember summer days as a kid where the grass was dewy in the morning, and the bright blue sky beckoned us to come out and play, and we took swimming lessons and played games with friends and read books.  Now the days all roll together and I avoid watching the weather on the news because it’s so depressing to see that little sun graphic on every stinkin’ day and watching the high temp keep rising a degree or two each week until we’ll be in the triple digits for days at a time.  While everyone around me looks forward to summer when it’s cold outside in winter, I secretly wish for some weather anomaly that will keep the heat away and bring unseasonable rain.  I got my wish last spring and early summer, and it was glorious!

I’m not liking my financial situation that will soon require me to get a second job to cover my monthly deficit.  At 52, that does not make me happy.  I’m going to a big sale at a yarn shop on July 1, and I’m going to ask about the possibility of working there on weekends, even though it’s about a 30 mile drive each way.  That’s about the only thing I can think about doing that wouldn’t fill me with anger and resentment about having to give up my days off to make a few dollars until things pick up at my regular job and I get my full salary back and we make enough for bonuses again.

I’m also really struggling with my envious feelings about my beautiful, talented, funny, intelligent (younger) sister who lives in the perfect place, is married to a great guy, and has a nice home in a gorgeous setting.  Does she have her own daily dilemmas to deal with?  Well, she has a teenage son and a daughter in her early 20s, so that’s the answer to that question.  But she’s able to travel and enjoy life at a level that I don’t (can’t) in Texas where I live alone in an apartment and I fill up my internal empty spaces with yarn and crochet.

There ARE wonderful friends in my life who make me happy, make me feel loved, and make me realize I’m not alone in this world.  But I have old programmed thinking about how life is only going to be good if I have a home and a family and I live near my sister to spend holidays with and we go to dinner together and have a weekly game night or Netflix night and I can go see my nephew perform in school plays.  Kinda like an episode of “Brothers & Sisters” or “Parenthood”.  The lack of all that has me feeling “less than” more often than not.  I have a job here, and bills to pay, so packing up and moving to a ski town in the mountains is not practical (and I don’t ski).

I’d also love to find the real-life equivalent to Cicely, Alaska from “Northern Exposure.”  I know it was filmed in Roslyn, WA so that is the real-life town.  But, I want to find the quirky people and hang out at the Brick and watch the moose amble down Main Street.  Oddly enough, the town where my sister lives comes pretty close.  It’s more touristy than Cicely was, but it’s close.  If I was in my 20s, I could go there and work in a restaurant or a bar and find a way to scrape out a living selling crocheted hats on the side while living with 2 or 3 other people to afford the rent up there.  But, I have a car payment, and student loans, and vet bills, and a couple of guilty-pleasure credit card bills that I use for late night yarn buying when I am feeling lonely and sad and scared.

So, as I keep saying, I crochet.  And I have dinner with friends like I did last night and will again tonight.  And I try to keep those happy feelings from being overshadowed by sadness as soon as I walk into my apartment and realize Bella is gone and the redneck is having fun with all the friends I used to have fun with.  And I ask God to show me what He wants me to do because the things I’ve done that I’ve thought were with His blessing haven’t quite worked out like I’d hoped.

 

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